Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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