remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
Randomize
