I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
