I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I legit measured his penis against my chapstick and it was too close to call. So that was my night.
Randomize
