you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
bring money and cleavage
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
I feel like my teeth are caked on with other teeth. What did I just smoke?
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
