I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I held his ankles while he hung off the top bunk attempting to get my pillow that fell off.
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
My boss want to throw me an everclear birthday.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
