Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.
i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
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