I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
I think getting shot is the thing to do in Brooklyn
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Tacos and sex are way better than any anti depressant pill ever was. I think I made a medical discovery here.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
Randomize
