Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
Put your dick on his face to wake him up, dont worry its fine.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
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