sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
I could study for finals and ace all my tests but wheres the fun in that? id rather black out and hope for the best
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
Randomize
