I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
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I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
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I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
as a side note pls kill me
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
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