I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
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