I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
