I think the phrase "bag of smashed assholes" describes it best
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Randomize
