I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
He can sense you did cocaine and had park sex with a large ginger from Australia last night.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
If you wear a peguin suit you MUST send me a picture!!!
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
