if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
we're spending all day in bed drinking spiked eggnog and fucking
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
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