I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
