i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
Randomize
