Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
