I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We were hunting our best friend with a BB gun in the backyard. I'd say the vaporizer was a worthy investment at this point.
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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