Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
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