He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
