there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Next time I think it’s a good idea to hook up with any of your wife’s family members or friends just kick me in my dick
Randomize
