My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Capitaan dildo arrescate!
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
Randomize
