they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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