I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
Randomize
