Why. Ill be the rabbit if ull be the carrot.
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
you only had a canadian ten, but you said it was all good cuz you would just by molson.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
