my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
It's just like the Real World with babies
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Also, I saved your name as Everclear last night. No idea why I did that.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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