just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
