I'd wear matching sweaters with you
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
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Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
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Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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