I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
he was so nervous about his first time.. it was like michael j. fox trying to put on a condom...
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
