Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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