That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
