Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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