the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize