I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
