my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I'm so high. Midnight pancake breakfast in bed
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I'm out of breath and my thighs burn but at least it's over.
I mean, I already hooked up with her boyfriend. The least I can do is accept her facebook friend request.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
