I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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