Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
I wonder if she has a lisp when she orgasms...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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