wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
