her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
The ecstacy made me so dehydrated I started licking condensation off car windows
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
He was fingering me and I came so hard that I actually broke his wrist. We're at the ER now.
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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