I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Randomize
