last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
just used my $120 dollar stats book for the first time to kill an ant... good thing i stole it
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