Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Randomize
