and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I'm gonna do some tripping... In the direction of balls
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
I came twice and when I was done I petted his head and said "you did good kid you did good" and just laid back smiling. Tell me I'm not awesome.
Randomize
