you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
Randomize
