Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
