I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
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What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
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But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
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