Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
That was an excessively violent trivia night
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize