tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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