there's paper in my vomit.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
As long as you're not dating white guys again.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Randomize
