Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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