While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
