dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
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