turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
you called me at 4 in the morning and invited me over for pasta and a late night viewing of titanic.
You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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