Whats up?
Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down
Stay up. I'm coming home in a little
Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you
Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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