I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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