i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
He picked up a chick with a line about the price of used cars in Sri Lanka and developing economies. Step it up.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
